Fragments of the Quiet Mind

It's unsettling when night finally closes in. The cold creeps up on you, and everything just feels... heavy. The kind of quiet that surrounds you isn’t that calming silence people often talk about—the one that’s supposed to soothe your soul. No, this quiet seeps into your bones, dragging you down with it, like a weight that grows heavier the longer you sit with it. It clings to me, not for comfort, but to remind me of the things I’ve been trying so hard not to face. It’s like a shadow creeping in, spreading through every corner of my mind, filling the spaces where hope used to live. And this is where everything feels like it's falling apart. I used to believe the future stretched out endlessly ahead, full of possibility, like there was always going to be more time. More chances. But now, it feels like the future’s cracking under the weight of reality, like something fragile that’s breaking apart, piece by piece. It’s not some bright, far-off thing anymore. The present feels sha...

4:30… An image of yesterday keeps recurring on this eternal present as I sit on this plank that looks like a bench in my park. It used to be our park, but now it’s just mine. In not so far away from where I sit, I see images of how we used to be. Images so clear and etched in my memories that the gravity of my thoughts and emotions forces it to appear in the present...  Very light drizzles of rain are pouring down but the good thing is that the soul tree is there to somewhat shade me from the frosty drizzles. Majestic tree, I thank thee eternally. I called in sick today, not that I am physically sick – but my brain and heart are crazily spiraling inside me. I am sick in my soul and it is no less better than any physical disease there is. Anyway, I already told my boss of my plan and it really doesn’t matter anymore if I still adhere to policies or not. Nothing matters anyway. While I was lost in my thoughts, Scars on Broadway started playing in my ipod… The classic guitar pluc...

Thursdays…  I usually call it the mediocre day. It's perhaps the most uninteresting day of the week... (and maybe that’s why throwback Thursday was invented to make this day somewhat memorable). It’s pathetic I guess to incorporate luck with the days in a week, but being trapped in a vicious cycle of repetitions, you dwell on things like this for the sole reason of wanting to be motivated in moving further (even without a goal in sight). Doing something that you dislike and sucking big time with it is pretty disappointing. I mean, I once believed that I am special. I thought I was good, but lately, I can’t even do simple things as how they should be done. I know some people would say, “it’s okay”, “you did great” but deep inside me, I know it’s not. It’s really more of a personal dissatisfaction because I know I could have done better and I know I can do better (or maybe I used to do things far better than how I am doing it right now). A lot of questions once again fill my mind. A...

Sometimes, there are moments that just hit me, like a sudden gust of memories that reminds me of things I’ve tried to forget and perhaps hide in the compartments of my mind. Also, it’s in the stillness— in these calm, unguarded moments— all of it comes back to life. Before I know it, the weight of those memories hits me, pulling me into a space where I’m left standing at a crossroads, with nostalgia on one side and reality on the other, wondering how I ended up here, caught between what was and what could have been. Chasing dreams sometimes feels like balancing on a knife’s edge, and in the rush, I end up hurting those closest to me without even realizing it. I sometimes get so locked onto the goal that the quiet chaos I left behind slips right past me. It often feels like I am wandering through an endless maze, and with each turn, it feels like I’m losing pieces of the world I once thought I had figured out. What once shimmered with hope now feels distorted and distant. Justice and lo...