Bridge of Death

Twirling, churning, spinning…..

Gephyrophobia… 

Never in my wildest dreams did I consider this a fear, nor did I think that this is even possible. (Coz who the heck is afraid of bridges, right?). In what appears like a cruel joke being played by Fate on me, NEVER did it occur to me that of all the possible phobias (besides arachnophobia. Who in their fudgin’ right state of mind isn’t afraid of spiders --- ) In a satiric twist of fate, the universe seemed to play this one on me. Okay, Universe, you won this round!

I am not afraid of heights, in fact I love heights. I love hiking mountains. I love standing at the edge of cliffs, buildings or in any high place and bask on that ephemeral feeling where anxiety transforms to bliss. I love the  thrill of having that breeze touch your face and your shirt pressing against the wind.  I dwell on that ineffable feeling of being on top as you gaze at the world below you.

HOWEVER, looking at the scene below while on a bridge is far from my definition of an AMAZING EXPERIENCE. It was punishing, or perhaps, more like TORMENTING.

I can feel my heart crazily banging itself as if it's trying to get out of my chest.

It felt that time has purposely slowed down to mock me….  The worst part is that these all happen when you are in the middle of that forsaken bridge. There's no point in turning back.

I have had my share with crossing over bridges. 

I know… I know… 

Fear is because of our ignorance of the unknown. My irrational fear with bridges (DISCLAIMER: no philosophizing here since there’s no such thing as a rational fear, but for the sake of poetic justice, let me use ‘irrational fear’ ) raises my anxiety level to crazy proportions… Then stress breeds in. I can feel my blood rushing to my head … and then… and then… then BOOM! When this happens, I am left petrified at a spot (and trust me, freezing in the middle of a bridge is not my idea of adventure.)

Anyway, we were on our way to validate a site (which of course is a work related thingy… and no, I am not justifying…) As we were closing in on the location, my thoughts were floating somewhere else. I was told beforehand that we will be crossing 2 bridges. I was shown a picture of a bridge and from that angle it looked so safe and steady (curse you photo!). Going back to my point, the picture was so serene and peaceful and subsequently, I really have to be there and do my job since all I can do at that moment was to prepare myself mentally (reviewed quantum physics and related it to the mechanics of hanging bridges), psychologically (assessed the connection of Gephyrophobia with my childhood experiences without the Freudian implications of such fear with my present state), spiritually (prayed to all known deities that I can think of) and emotionally (cried, laughed, loved, to the point I was apathetic already.) 

I was all set for this. COME ON!! Bring it on!

We’ve been walking for several minutes and I haven’t seen the bridge they foretold me about. I was starting to think that they were just messing with me. It was at that moment when I have convinced myself that the staff were simply playing a forbidding joke on me. When i was able to calm down, suddenly this magical bridge appeared in front of me. (take that David Blaine!) The bridge looks meaner, scarier and longer in real life than what I saw in the pictures. It’s sturdier and firmer in the pics…. This one shakes and creaks… and I think I just heard an evil laugh coming from it.

My morning adventure just turned to a ‘mourning’ adventure.

I tried to compose myself as I attempted to disperse all bloody premonition of things that might transpire. Like, will I get my feet wedged in between the spaces of those iron bars? Will the bridge hold? Can this carry my weight? If it doesn’t, is there enough water down there to catch me? How and where will I swim?

The first step was the hardest. (parang pag-ibig lang yan, mahirap sa umpisa… wait, hanggang sa huli pala mahirap! Basta … yun na yun…) I started with baby steps, then another small step, and the next steps were getting smaller and smaller. In the middle of the way, I started to feel the wind shaking the bridge. I was swaying, like a baby being cradled but I was NOT enjoying it. My mind was trying to find sanctuary, but my body feels like it’s trapped in a hell-hole. A black cloud was forming over my thoughts and the more my reason was telling me to relax, compose myself and breathe slowly, my body was doing otherwise.  An anarchy was happening as this freakn’ly-rebellious-yet-gorgeous-(naks!)-body was doing the very opposite of what my mind was telling it to do.

But then, as I looked at the end of the bridge, I focused on the goal. I’mma reach that point no matter what. Armed with a backpack, vape on my left hand, water bottle on my right hand, Spartan slippers I recently bought for 85 pesos a pair (manang was selling overpriced things but since I have no choice, I still bought it rather than walk barefoot) at my feet and love for the country in my heart (hahahaha! naks again!), I decided to give it a go. I think that’s how things really work.

As I begged and coerced my foot to step forward, I looked up in the sky and my vision caught twinkles of red, purple, yellow and sparkly luminous display of colors at the corner of my eye. It was happy. They were happy. (it/they: referring to the colors) I was lost in my thoughts thinking about those colors and I wondered if they were indeed happy while playing around and messing with one another. I wondered if they have names, they have kids and how will they define happiness in their realm.

Before I can even attempt to answer those questions, I found myself at the end of the ‘bridge-of-death’. It was really a BRIDGE OF DEATH! It’s not an exaggeration! If only you have seen what I saw, heard what I’ve heard and felt what I’ve felt, but then again, we will go back to a philosophical discourse on this, so just imagine (which I know you can’t) how I’ve felt. You know what I mean.

I know it’s crazy that I’ve thought about dancing rainbow colors happily playing with those glittering sparkles of light (but without pink flying unicorns) but it was that crazy thought which pushed me to walk across that freakish bridge.

Hold on...  I am not pointing towards diversion as a solution in overcoming fear ‘coz I know darn well that I haven’t overcome my fear of bridges yet. My point is simple, it’s all about Mindset. Sometimes fear makes us focus on those things that we are afraid of which eventually makes us lose all sense of logic. We become obsessed with the fear and our proximity to it leads our vision be blinded with the whole picture.

Fear makes us worry on things not really worth worrying at. Small worries create big repercussions, like that small paranoia with bridges created a huge shadow of doubt, thinking that in every step I take might lead me to my death. (okay, I don’t want to sound morbid, but I suppose everyone fears death or the idea of how they’ll die, right?)

I guess with the proper mindset, we can start conquering our fears.

I think that’s it. Perhaps our demons are really not as scary as how we projected them in our imagination. I have been thinking too much on what can possibly go wrong when I can actually focus on what can go right (like, what I will be doing once I reach my destination.) 

Sometimes, all we need is to stop and breathe deeply to re-focus and compose ourselves. Seriously, I am a little disappointed that my one on one battle with the “bridge-of-death” was finished.

I was still processing this thought when one of the CEFs who waited for me said, “di ba sir, ang dali lang? see, di naman nakakatakot. Meron pa mamaya, doble ang haba tska mas nag shashake sya.”

NNNNNNOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (till fade….)

UPDATE: I survived!