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Summer Rain


I want to feel something… it feels like I’m in a coma identical to that moment when you’re half asleep and you got no control of your body… you want to move but it’s like there’s an invisible entity controlling your body. But technically, that’s still feeling something right?

Is the apathy eating me? Feeling apathetic?

But that’s self defeating. For how can one feel and be indifferent at the same time?

Feeling the apathy? Or not feeling the indifference?

Whatever.

The morning sun feels so fudgin’ good, the petrichor after a night’s rain fills my soul with quiet hope. Silently streaming through my soul, coursing through my veins, surging in a torrential path as it fills my cold heart with sudden warmth... The blackened abyss of my being is starting to see colors as the feeling slowly paints this death filled milieu with life. World tainted, seemingly broken, yet still, aesthetically acceptable in the most twisted perspective one can muster.

This warm feeling – To be able to be one with the self and not think for a second or so, and yes, I am at ease. The morning light consoles me, it’s a warm summer morning as I stand on wet ground – the colors brought by the sun reminds me of a scene from a book I’ve read a long time ago and though I have forgotten what that book was, the memory of that scene, regardless of who the characters were are still vivid in my memories. It’s like bliss tenderly melting as it is intensified by a golden surreal light. An interplay of seducing photons, one so bizarre that it leaves me silenced inside the confines of the moment. I am uncertain on how to react, whether I must smile or frown or to remain: indifferent. Weird…

It’s strange to realize that I appreciate the morning today… maybe because of the rain last night. This morning, I simply love the light. Oh sorry for that, love is such a strong word… maybe, I should’ve said ‘Like’… yeah, ‘like’ fits the description more. I like this hazy morning, tending to my garden, poeticizing the colors, flirting with emotions in a recoiling life filled with dirt. I envy my plants, they are bursting with life. Their roots sinking deeper and deeper as they create their ground and focus on survival. Well, I guess like plants, one must seep deeply into the murky, cold and dark bottom point, to be able to go on and move upwards. I guess analogy is my way of trying to upheave my thoughts to myself, but let me have this moment. Perhaps I feel good today because last night’s rain gave the place life, to some degree, metaphorically comparing it to how rain can soothe past pains and console lost souls. Although last night the lightning scared the kids –at least it made my task of putting them to bed easier. I remember… ah nevermind…. I always remember but this time, I have to stop… This is where it’s supposed to be, hidden in deep memory.

The day is so eerie yet peaceful. I am hungry for conversation, haven’t had a real one in a couple of months now. I also miss writing, but I have to refrain from writing too much details or anything that might complicate ‘settled’ things. Perhaps it’s meant to be this way. Fate, Destiny – I always believe that we create things and craft events to achieve one’s destiny, but why create one and let it die in no time? Why create a fate-less and void-less destiny? One thing i’ve learned for sure, never create something that destroys other things. Karma is indeed a Beyotch…

Scattering the pieces of this shattered fantasy,
One so beautiful yet tragic, one engraved in deep memory
Giving up on dreams, deemed as crazy, immoral and forbidden,
Perhaps there are things in this world that’s more beautiful when they’re broken.

The clouds are starting to turn dark. Light drizzles are starting to drop so I need to go to my porch and encode this writing… I am now sitting, blankly staring, smoking and sucking in all the memories. My senses are tingling as I feel the kisses of lost misty rain touching my face. The smell, the sound, the taste – it’s all too familiar. My thoughts are starting to run wild again, like these little kids bathing under the summers rain… free – wild – unorganized, I want to be like them… this particular moment is filled with melancholy. Wild and sad – crazy like a dwarven mystic warlock or more like a flying pink unicorn dinosaur taunting me in a sinister manner. It’s crazy how the pages turn so darn fast. Earlier I was having a peaceful moment and in just a couple of minutes, I am once again drowning in the rain. I claim that I love the rain but whenever it rains, my depression doubles.

I dunno… I still don’t understand a lot of things, answers come faintly like the moonlight … same as the blood moon, I am bleeding. It’s insane that I learn quick but I also fall faster than anyone else, and when I do, I always fall harder than the previous fall.

I am falling like the rain… My only wish is that when I do hit the ground,

I can finally feel it…
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